i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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