you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
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