I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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