Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
