Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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