I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
