dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
