Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
You're like the curious george of whores
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
