Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
