i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
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