Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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