i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
don't judge my taste in strippers
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
