Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Randomize
