When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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