Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
