I want you more than these girls want KFC
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
