I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
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