Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
