I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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