If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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