You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
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