he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
