Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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