fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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