jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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