sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize