so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
