I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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