"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
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I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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