I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
