He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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