i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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