New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
