so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Randomize
