so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
