I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize