it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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