i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
