I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
