bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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