I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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