the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
