I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
sick fucks of a feather flock together
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
