the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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