Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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