I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
