We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
