I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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