Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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