Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
