So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
