she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
