Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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