why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
