Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
