You're earring is so big in my mouth
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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