i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
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