meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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