For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Sober January is a disaster.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
