girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
