Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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