either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
